This past May, I received some of the most frightening news a woman can hear,
"You have breast cancer."
From there, my doctor asked me not to interrupt until he finished his spiel (his word, not mine), but it didn't matter. Everything after that sounded like I was underwater. He talked about a bilateral mastectomy, breast implants and how I was the perfect candidate for them and how it was gonna be easy-peasy, 1 2 3.
He was talking very fast, trying to deliver a lot of information in a short appointment slot, and it made me feel rushed and overwhelmed. Questions began stacking up in my head, each new one replacing the last, like some teetering Jenga puzzle. I sat on the exam table holding my gown closed, only realizing how white my knuckles were after he left. Not a great start to what I'd imagined would probably be a long process.
A second opinion:
My husband and I sat in the second breast surgeons office (after my exam and fully dressed), and Dr. Marlene Mancuso took her time to explain my diagnosis. She drew some simple pictures to help me understand, talked about my options and encouraged our questions. She was open, smiled a lot and made me feel very comfortable. 'The good news is, we caught it early. The breast cancer is very small, a stage 1 tumor', she said.
She contacted plastic surgeon Dr. David Light at NYBRA and we drove right over to meet him. He had a quiet confidence that made me feel at ease. Almost immediately, I knew he was the right person for the job, and I couldn't help but think what an appropriate last name he was given. I kept that thought to myself, though, as I was sure he'd probably heard it many times before.
I was so glad I went for a second opinion! I wasn't even aware there was a mastectomy option that did not require breast implants. When Dr. Light explained he could use my own belly fat in a procedure called a DIEP Flap, I was shocked to learn it was even a thing!
He explained the procedure itself, the drawback of a longer recovery time, and the benefits. My reconstructed breasts using my own skin and fat would be soft and natural. Unlike implants, they'd gain and lose weight with me, and I would never have to replace them. For what I was gaining, the longer recovery time sounded like a worthwhile investment to me.
The surgery:
I wasn't sure how to prepare, so I froze some meals, wrote some emails and bought some of the products recommended by NYBRA's Patient Empowerment Program, run by their clinical director, Mollie Sugarman. I was grateful for the education she provided and especially the Sisterhood of Support Zoom meetings. I was so nervous before my surgery and having this group where I could express my feelings made all the difference.
Pockets of Hope was listed in Mollie's information folder. Founder Katelynn Devinney started the non-profit in 2022, after her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. Her mission is to provide comfort, and remind breast cancer patients that we're never alone. Her organization provides a free, zip-up sweatshirt to any woman undergoing a mastectomy. Mine arrived right before my surgery. It's got two extra pockets, lovingly hand-sewn in to hold the drainage bulbs I'd be sent home with.
On the big day, I was SO scared, I cried all the way into the operating room. It was a big, fearful, snot-bubble cry that I just couldn't contain. But everyone was so nice, holding my hand and reassuring me I'd be alright, and then I went to sleep.
It feels bizarre when people say, 'you're so brave!' because the way I felt was quite the opposite.
After a ten hour surgery and two days in the hospital, I got great news! They believed all the cancer had been removed, my lymph nodes were clean and even my BRCA gene testing came back normal! Feeling lucky, I was very motivated to get moving and head home.
On discharge day, I had six drainage bulbs tagging along, not two. Half a dozen 'eggs' to keep me company for the next few weeks. I carried them around, carefully measuring and recording their contents twice a day. The day they removed the last two bulbs was nothing short of epic. It felt like a milestone, and I was moving past it. Due to all the abdominal work involved, it took me a good month to be able to stand up straight, and about six weeks to move around somewhat comfortably.
Those memories of pain blur quickly, but I'll never forget the out pouring of love and caring. It was true, I was not alone! My friend, Krissy, was touched by breast cancer, and had undergone the same DIEP procedure just a few years prior. She was so supportive during my recovery, in the way only someone that's walked the same path can be.
During one of our chats, she suggested a collaboration. Being a big fan of her small business, Ettatorials, I was thrilled! It felt right to turn our little project into a fundraiser to benefit Pockets of Hope, and we came up with Heartfelt, A Soap & Candle Gift Set.
Oncology:
I thought the recovery from a bilateral mastectomy would be the hardest part, but a cancer diagnosis is unique to each individual and multi-layered with difficult decisions at every stage.
"The person who takes medicine must recover twice, once from the disease and once from the medicine." ~William Osler, MD
I was new to oncology and hoping for an in-depth discussion with shared decision making. My breast surgeon referred me to an amazing medical oncologist, and I came prepared. I had already entered my information into Predict, an online tool that predicts survivorship depending on your specific disease factors. I also brought along two papers on the subject of estrogen and breast cancer written by oncologist Dr. Avrum Bluming, recently published in The Journal of The Menopause Society and The Cancer Journal.
Dr. Bluming's excellent book, Estrogen Matters, was easy to read for me, the layperson, and made it so much easier to speak with my own oncologist. On the day of our consultation, she gladly accepted the papers and told me she would read them. Then we talked about the treatments they have to offer. I didn't need radiation or chemotherapy, but she did include the option of taking a hormonal therapy, called an aromatase inhibitor. An AI would be used to block what little was left of my estrogen production.
Together, we weighed the risks and benefits and decided that in my case, the side effects of an aromatase inhibitor would most likely outweigh any small protection it might provide. And then she told me she'd like to see me in six months time.
You know the feeling you get when you've been holding your breath but don't realize it until you let it out? I felt like that, I felt released!
Follow up:
Why me? Why not me?
Breast cancer is the most common cancer in the United States, seemingly, almost an unlucky roll of the dice. Catch it early, and it's also one of the most curable.
I was very lucky and had a great outcome. Even so, at times it's been emotionally overwhelming, and sometimes I wonder if breast cancer survivors don't suffer from a sort of post-traumatic stress syndrome. We all understand the cancer needs to go, but that being said, losing your breasts is a big f**king deal! I'm sorry, but if there was ever a sentiment that needed some spice, it'd be this.
Talking and writing helps me process the depths of emotion a diagnosis of breast cancer brings up, and I hope it helps someone else to read it. I hope it helps someone else feel like she's not alone. I've learned so much and gained a greater empathy for others going through it, too. I'm also keenly aware of, and extremely grateful for escaping the worst of it.
Thanks to a top-notch medical team, today, I'm cancer free. Next week I'll be going back for a follow up surgery, called a fat transfer. Never thought I'd write those words, but I'm here for it!
One day this whole experience will be in my rear view mirror. For today, let me be your friendly reminder to make sure you stick around, happy and healthy. Be your own best advocate and go get checked xo
